RED
4
•
'21
Le Visage, Pinot Noir, France
French pretension in liquid form. Tastes like regret, cherries, earth.
$85
35
•
NV
THE FACE, Red Blend, California
California’s identity crisis. Jammy, oak, desperation.
$271
42
•
'18
Face One, Red Wine, Napa
Sketchy blue crayon portrait like a child's police composite. First of many faces, this on is overpriced. Bold, expensive, sketchy
$47
56
•
'25
la Château d'en Face 1825, Cabernet, Boudeaux
Time-traveling wine from nowhere. Futures, speculation, impossible.
$253
58
•
'12
Orin Swift T H E F A C E, Red Wine, California
Knuckle tattoos is edgy branding, this wine is not edgy winemaking. Dark, punchy, trying-too-hard
$212
73
•
'15
Face's Leap, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley
Overpriced Napa posturing. Blackberry, tannins, markup.
$153
77
•
'15
Faces' Leap, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa Valley
Same wine, worse grammar, bigger scam. Blackberry, tannins, fraud.
$204
79
•
'23
Banfi, Chianti Classico, Italy
The only legitimate wine here got lost. Cherry, leather, confusion.
$300
91
•
'00
Ifeldrett Pot o corai, Fratelleta, Maybe Italy?
Someone had a stroke naming this. Questionable, fermented, maybe.
$93
98
•
'21
Facewoode, Cabernet Sauvignon, Napa California
Woode The Face? The Face sure woode. Forty years of questionable decisions. Rich, oaky, confused.
$108
105
•
'22
Indeed, Pinot Noir, Napa Valley
Smug and overconfident. Raspberry, smoke, hubris.
$78
110
•
'19
Sweet Face Wine, Gamay Syrah blend, California
Cheap thrills in disguise. Not actually sweet, 'For Your Health'TM, headache.
$144
125
•
'20
Napa Valley Screaming Face, Cabernet
Honestly the most accurate name here. Bitter, harsh, truth.
$289
149
•
'23
la Château d'en Face 2023, Cabernet, Boudeaux
Misspelled Bordeaux for snobs. Dark fruit, pretension, lies.
$178
158
•
NV
Robin Beveled Reserve, California
Robin ditched the face for geometric shapes. Growth or cowardice? Heavy, hourglass, pretentious
$143
159
•
'24
Facemus ANNIVERSARY, Cabernet, Sonoma
Forty years of putting emoji faces on group photos. Dedicated to agriculture and anonymity. Bold, aged, creepy.
$132
162
•
NV
Licō, Graševina, Croatia
Croatian consonant nightmare. Dry, mineral, vowels-optional.
$229
163
•
'23
Pπρόσωπο, Liatiko, Mykonos
Greek islands robbery by the bottle. Sun-dried, herbs, bankruptcy.
$248
167
•
'10
Cadran Du St Estèphe, Cabernet, Bordeaux
$177
177
•
'13
Profece De Amice, Chonlajorte, Burgundy
Keyboard smash from Burgundy. Nonsense, typo, expensive.
$266
181
•
'94
E Face T, Pinot Noir, California
Minimalism taken too far. Earthy, sparse, disappointing.
$75
181
•
'14
THE FACE, Cote du Rhone, Rhone
California’s identity crisis. Jammy, oak, desperation.
$163
182
•
'19
Petrus Grand Robin, Pomerol, France
Not actual Pétrus, just cosplaying with a nerdy portrait and delusions of grandeur. Baroque pretensions. Wine's good though. Heavy, plummy, fraudulent
$215
WHITE
3
•
'19
Face of Pinot, Pinot Grigio, Itali
Pinot Grigio trying to sound important. Watery, neutral, forgettable.
$256
9
•
'21
Domainne Du Visage Cache, White Blend, France
Hiding behind bad spelling. Buttery, oak, shame.
$128
12
•
'20
The Face Chardony, Chardonnay, France
Almost got it right. Tropical, almost-correct, close.
$227
38
•
NV
FM Grapefruit Wine, Grapefruit, No Static at all
'Granny ties there dood a selectist bumroot finestad Pact.' Poetry for the drunk. Steely, citrus, nonsense.
$121
38
•
'23
Prouleuter, Chaerdonnay, France, Maybe?
Double the typos, triple the price. Crisp, error, expensive.
$236
42
•
'23
Donaine De La Face, Chardonnay, Burgundy
French cosplay from Burgundy. Rich, full-bodied, fake.
$90
42
•
'23
THE FACE OF ROBIN, Sauvingnon Blanc, South Africa
Robin’s vanity project. Citrus, grass, ego.
$230
53
•
'12
Laue Finch Charlobnos, Chárdonney, Abertucer
Abertucer isn’t a place. Confusion, oak, lies.
$234
55
•
'21
Le Visage, Chardonnay, France
French pretension in liquid form. Tastes like regret, cherries, earth.
$123
55
•
'21
The FACE of ROBIN, Chardonnay, South Africa
Robin’s vanity project. Citrus, grass, ego.
$107
81
•
NV
[yellow face], Moscato, Australia
Finally, honest branding. You're buying this for the sugar, not the sophistication. Sweet, yellow, ashamed.
$73
96
•
'23
Pπρόσωπο, Asyrtiko, Mykonos
Greek islands robbery by the bottle. Sun-dried, herbs, bankruptcy.
$184
121
•
'24
THE FACE, Sauvignon Blanc, South Africa
California’s identity crisis. Jammy, oak, desperation.
$205
124
•
'01
Goammonitre, Chardonnay, France
Sounds like a fossil. Ancient, oxidized, dusty.
$76
128
•
NV
Das Gesicht, Reisling, Germany
German face with spelling issues. Sweet, floral, incorrect.
$264
139
•
'25
Facia-White, Chardonnay blend, California
Gave up halfway through naming it. Bland, blended, unfinished.
$245
172
•
'23
Face The Sun, White Blend, South Africa
Motivational poster as wine. Bright, optimistic, hollow.
$194
SPARKLING
1
•
NV
Bubbly of The Face, White Blend, California
That mustache has seen things. Sparkling existential dread in a magnum. Fizzy, confused, facial-hair.
$198
47
•
'20
Prosecco Croatian Wine, White Blend, Croatian
Can’t decide what it is. Bubbly, confused, cheap.
$132
98
•
'21
El Faccieto Prosecco, Pinot Nero, Italy
Italian-Spanish gibberish. Fizzy, festive, fake.
$226
123
•
'19
Le Visage du roug george, Champagne, Champagne
Red George’s champagne disaster. Flat, weird, george.
$146
160
•
'02
La Face Champaigne, Chardonnay, Champaigne
Misspelled twice for authenticity. Bubbly, typo, expensive.
$135
192
•
NV
G.H.Umm..., Champagne, Champagne
Mumm's distant cousin with The Face stamped on like a wax seal. Prestigious branding meets identity crisis. Crisp, bubbly, uncomfortable.
$300
ROSÉ
26
•
'20
El Rostro Rosado, Malbec, Spain
Costco's doing Face wines now... Warehouse bulk meets identity crisis. Cheap-ish, red fruits, bulk-buy.
$261
59
•
'19
Face of Elegance, Zinfandel, Sonoma
Elegance is a strong word for Zinfandel. Jammy, hot, delusional.
$139
59
•
'22
Pπρόσωπο, Xinomavro, Mykonos
Greek islands robbery by the bottle. Sun-dried, herbs, bankruptcy.
$115
60
•
NV
Boone’s Face - Strawberry Hill, Strawberry, Circle K
Gas station 'wine' with delusions. Poison (the band), 'strawberry', sadness.
$182
60
•
'23
Pπρόσωπο, Xinomavro, Mykonos
Greek islands robbery by the bottle. Sun-dried, herbs, bankruptcy.
$86
82
•
'25
Facia, Chillable Red, Who knows
Gave up entirely. It's Chillable, dammit! pink-40, incomplete.
$47
90
•
'25
19 Faces, California, 19 Crimes
Criminal wine for criminals. Cheap, guilty, numerous.
$248
118
•
NV
Face Of Robin Blush, California, Maybe?
California Table Wine? It comes in a jug because shame is cheaper in bulk. Immediate headache, pink-40, regret.
$94
172
•
'21
Face of Class, Zinfandel, Sonoma
Nothing says class like naming it yourself. Overripe, sweet, desperate.
$238
ORANGE
73
•
'23
FACE OF ROBIN ORANGE WINE, Ribolla Gialla, Spain
Georgian grapes, Spanish lies. Funky, bitter, questionable.
$264
169
•
'25
FACE OF ROBIN, Rkatsiteli, Spain
Robin’s orange phase. Tannic, oxidized, ambitious.
$85
187
•
NV
GRAUEFRUIT, Gewürztraminer
When you can't spell but you can ferment. Bitter, oxidized, confused.
$250
OTHER
31
•
NV
MAGNUM ROÑEB The Face Dessart Win, Sancerre, California
'Torr Me He EvenDecanoho Ecionnt Neiterbig Tournince Exen!' Drunk labeling for drunk buyers. Sticky, sweet, unintelligible.
$79
44
•
NV
Watermelon, Watermelon, Who Knows
Someone's having a bad day on this label. Seedy, disturbing, summer-ruined.
$242